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Time to Graduated High School

Life is just full of insecurity. Sad, but true. We all face them. Everyday.

Sometimes, I think being a mother makes those insecurities even worse. I question everything that I am doing now, everything I have done in the past and everything I will do in the future. There is so much I can do to mess things up. I just don't question these things once, I question them over and over again often forcing others to question them with me. And if I am not just questioning my things, I am questioning others and passing judgment on them to make me feel as if I am somehow better.

We have insecurities within our jobs. Did I do whatever good enough? Will people really believe that I can do X or does anyone know what I really do? Should they even know what I do, because what if I mess up then how will I explain? How will I hide it when I do mess it up?

Why do we do this to ourselves? Isn't this the behavior of teenagers? Perhaps this means we are all young at heart? I don't feel young. I feel tired. It wears on me. I like to think I am a self-confident adult. But I am not.

I actually had my reoccurring dream last night. I have this dream at least once a year if not more often. I dreamed I was in high school again. I was sitting through some God awful lecture and the instructor was using some new way to teach that I found absolutely ridiculous. I felt all the doubts about myself trapping me in my desk, worrying I would be in trouble if I questioned the supreme logic of my teacher, studying material I already new to be one truth but re-learning it based on the ideals of the teacher, etc...

Finally, it started to come to me. I was sitting in my desk and the whole class left. This whole class was filled with all my adult friends, past or present. They were all dressed in the new "In" fashions. Looking foolish in their "hip hop" cloths even though they are all contributing members of society who are each important in their own rights. I stayed behind. My thoughts were clouded by this fear that I knew I was in trouble for skipping out on where ever it was the rest were going. It wasn't until they returned that my thoughts cleared.

One woman asked me, "Heidi, you know you are in trouble. Why didn't you come?" I replied, "I have done this all before. It is time for me to move on." I stood up muted protests and threats from the teacher and walked out the door. On the other side of the door, I woke.

I am not sure how I am going to do it. But it is time that I believe in myself. I do not need others to believe in me. I just need to believe in me. All I have to do is look around at my life and block out with others say "good or bad". Both type of comments, I believe re-awake those old insecurities. I do appreciate a spoken or written "Good Job". I just am not going to look for them any longer. ~throws grad cap in the air~

Blah Recruiter Idiots!

So DH was supposed to have another interview today. It has been canceled... by .... DH.

Morons is all I have to say. Why can't they believe him when he says... I get paid X and I won't take less then X + Y (or some other variant) to take your position. Seriously people, why would anyone switch jobs to get paid less. And not just a little bit less, but a substantial amount less.

In all truth, we have decided that DH could take less then what he is getting paid now, but that is only if it is into an area for which we want to move. NOT in this same God Awful State!!!!

20K less, are you freaking serious???? No wonder they sent the new employee packet before the interview, they thought they were getting a steal???? ~sighs~

Boy Brag

I just had to brag on my boys a bit. They have been in sports camps over the past two weeks. Last week, University of Louisiana Monroe had many of their sports camps. The boys went to football in the morning, baseball after lunch and soccer after supper. To say they were exhausted by the weekend is an understatement!

This week there is only basketball camp. It is just in the morning. So they are having a good time without getting as physically exhausted.

The thing about basketball is that it has really changed a lot since when I played in school. There is a reason it is often referred to now as "street ball". Most of the kids who play it these days play in cities on the street (aka hoops on parking lots). The rules on the street are much different. The players call the fouls and only wimps call on the wussy fouls. It is hard core ball.

Here is an example of street ball with rules: http://www.macker.com/ When we lived in Ohio, this tournament came to our town every year. But the "street" rules rolled out into the streets. So the town, now, only permits kids' tourneys and not adults.

If you watch any ball on TV, you can see the difference in the intensity of the game (college or pro) over what it was even 10 or 15 years ago.

What I am trying to get at is that a lot of Punks play basketball. Youth is now no different. My boys ran into several of these little punks within the first hour of camp yesterday.

Now there was a time just a few years ago that these punks would instantly make my oldest DS their target. He really does have a sign on top of his head that has a big cartoon neon lit up arrow that points down saying "PICK ON ME"! You all know the type of kid I am talking about. Heck, half of you may have been the same kid.

So it didn't take the punks in the room more then a 30 second radar check to find my son and zoom in on him.

Now lets back up a bit... Remember my oldest now has his 1st degree Blackbelt. DS2 will earn his in two months. They both are very good. They won silver and gold medals only recently in their age brackets at the national tournament. The oldest may be shy and insecure when it comes to social situations. But now, put him in anything that is full contact and your ass is his.

Back to basketball. The camp is for 8-18 year olds. They did divide the kids into age groups, but still there are some really big 10-12 year olds out there. Some kid bigger then DS1 came along and attempted to push him to the ground to get the ball from DS1. Step, slide, push to the side, big kid in tears and everyone backed off. Without a word, DS1 took the ball back turned and swooshed it.

How freaking cool is that????? This was all reported from DS2, who was quite impressed!

DS2 was impressed enough that when the same bunch of kids went to pick on a little 8 year old. He stepped in and told them to cut it out. His confidence was up too! They asked him what was he going to do about it. He just said again to back off. Apparently they did.

It feels good to know you are doing something right with your kids. They may drive me nuts from time to time. But I really do have a couple of great kids here. They are well on their way to becoming good men!

More Thoughts On Curriculum

I have been getting pieces of the kids' curriculum for next year coming through the mail. I have a feeling I may have to supplement a few things (math), but over all I am very impressed. Since I have found most math curriculum BLAH anyways and teach the kids in my own style, I wasn't surprised at all that I was less the impressed with the math.

The general overall philosophy on children and how to teach them I find beautiful. It is a very nice blend of hippy tree hugging and strict academia. It is very hands on rather then textbook and workbook. There are so many crafts, projects and music. Yes, music is part of the instruction. The literature for the year was selected to emphasis the history.

1st grade: Little Bear, Little Bear's Visit, A Kiss for Little Bear, Mouse Soup, Mouse Tales, Frog and Toad are Friends, and Frog and Toad Together

4th grade: The Search for Delicious, Addie Across the Prairie, The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, Heidi, The Trumpet of the Swan, Stuart Little, Treasury for Children, The Sign of the Beaver, and OM Indian Legends

5th grade: Harriet Tubman Call to Freedom, Ben and Me, Johnny Tremain, Little House on the Prairie, Sarah Mortan's Day, The Witch of Blackbird Pond, If You Sailed on the Mayflower, Where Do You Think You Are Going Christopher Columbus, and Children of the Wild West

I have having DS1 do 5th grade instead of 6th lit and history for two reasons. The primary reason is that even with individual attention at home, he is still struggling as a reader. I really, really wish I would have waited one more year before placing him in Kindergarten. So I worry about him struggling with 6th material. He will be doing 6th math. I might end up pushing him ahead there ;) The other reason is that OM's 6th grade history/lit is all about mythology. We have spent most of the last two years on mythology and very little on American history... Guess which one I like better :)

So I made the decision to do the 5th grade material. As I have looked at so many different curriculum, I have found that through 3-7ish grades they are pretty much retaught the same things. This is a verb, this is a noun, this describes a verb, blah blah. The main difference comes in comprehension and vocabulary. Both are things in which DS needs to improve.

My one problem with it all, and this is more my problem then the curriculum's problem, is that DD will be taught how to knit. Yes, knitting is part of her package. LOL I guess, I will be learning something new as well.

The rational for this is that children need rhythm and repetition in order to learn focus. There is a bit more to it then that, but that is the jist of it. I may have to substitute something else for this bit as I really do not have the patience to knit. But we shall see.

Alot of the crafts are very boyish for the two older grades. So, the boys for the first time are really excited about starting the next school year. I have to say, I am almost wishing it was already August. Only time will tell if I will feel this way once we actually get started ;)

Saturday Morning Dreaming

It was so nice sitting here before everyone else woke up. We have huge floor to ceiling windows that literally make an entire wall. These windows overlook our back yard. We have a pool surrounded by gorgeous vegitation. We even have banana plants that make the whole thing look tropical. This is all framed in with our deck and pool canopy. Often I can see little lizards or humming birds running around. I like to think of it as my own cultivated zoo display, it is so pretty. So I am sitting here drinking my morning diet pepsi (cause java is gross) and enjoying the beauty and silence.

It didn't last very long. Maybe 20 mins before one of the babies heard me typing away and woke up. I am going to miss our back yard so much when we move. Hopefully we will find something similiar. But I doubt we will ever find anything within this price range anywhere else in the country.

Off to deal with the kiddies :)

What Color Are You?

Well It doesn't have one of those cute little images I can post in here, but it does have a link. Very nice questionaire. And I must say, I would love these colors in my home!

I am Leather, Stone and Wood, secondary is Almond and Honey.



I just can't seem to make any decisions. Well, that isn't necessarily true. I did decide on what the kids are doing next year for school.

But we have so many things that need done in the house. So many things I want to do. And I am not deciding to do any of them, because I can't make concrete plans on the future. I want to know what our family is doing and I hate being in limbo.

DH is really dragging his feet on the whole job hunting thing. There are soooo many jobs listed out there. Yesterday, I sent him 19, yes NINETEEN, jobs that were listed only yesterday. He looked at them at lunch and said that he did qualify for most of them. But he didn't apply to any, NONE. He won't go out and look. It is like he wants to keep me a freaking prisoner here forever.

DS1 will be in 7th grade next year. He LOVES soccer, basketball, and now baseball. There are no kids programs after 6th grade open to the public. They are all involved with public or private schools. The cheapest private school is $10k per year. The public school is ranked 54th out of 57 parishes. The state is ranked 45th out of 50. The public school had 5th graders caught having sex in the classroom when the teacher left them alone for 30 mins. The high school had a gang rape on campus. The high school had two teachers fired/arrested for having sex with students. One of the coaches was fired for being drunk at a game. A kid (appr age 12) at the concession stand this year gave me $19.50 in change for a $20 bill. This was after I purchased 2 hot dogs, 1 nachos, 3 cokes, and M&Ms. Another kid, around the same age, couldn't figure out the score board during a rec football game. The score was 12 and he had to add six to it. He stood their using his fingers and then put the score at 21. I could go on and on about other issues, safety, religion, corporal punishment, general redneck mentality... I just can NOT... WILL NOT put my kids into this school system.

I am just pissed that DH doesn't seem to be working as hard as I think he should work. And the thing is if I become compliant, then he does even less. GRR>>>> So frustrating.

Well I just found a new suggestion for him to follow up on in the job hunt. He better do it!

Through all these experiences throughout our whole marriage, I can so see why many women DESERVE! big payouts when they divorce their husbands. Men, as far as I am concerned, by nature are lazy arses. If they didn't have a woman behind them kicking their ass the whole way, they never would do anything.
Well, I have nothing really interesting to say today.

Apparently after the shooting yesterday, someone set a fire at the house. Some arson specialists from the fire department is investigating.. Crazy people!

I am trying to decide whether or not to pick up hours at my old job or not. I really haven't decided whether or not I want my new job. I have only worked two days and it was BORE...ING!!!!!!! But gas is killer and I can't keeping dragging the old place along.

I really do not want to work killer schedules either over the summer. I want a little fun too. KWIM?

But I am not sure if I say I can't pick up any hours until August that they will keep me on payroll or not. I really would not want to have to go back through orientation to get my job back. Though I know they would hire me back... Yeah, I am not making much sense. It is just me working through my thoughts.

On a side note, I am on a quest to get DH hired SOMEPLACE. I have signed up with this little agency that will let me get ahold of top peeps email addresses. I am going to coherce DH into contacting some of the big wigs. Well, only IF he 110% qualifies for the job. He isn't happy with me over it, but I will MAKE HIM! GRRRR!!!

And what is it with people calling the house at 6:30 in the morning? Seriously? My mother had a yard sale today. I guess since she was up and bored, she had to call me. Thanks Mom! NOT!

I need food.... Am off ;)

He thinks I am overreacting Grr...

DH just called me to inform me that there was a multiple shooting near campus today. Not that multiple shootings are anything that uncommon in Monroe. I worked in their ER. We would get at least one gunshot wound per weekend often more. So nothing new to me. But both boys have been on campus all week. They are doing a varity of sports camps. Apparently the shooting was close enough that they locked the boys up into the buildings for close to an hour. MFer!

I really really hate this place. Seriously. I mean in most parts of the country living near campus is the ideal. Near campus has the nicer homes and areas, safe for student apartments. But still you are talking about mostly good kids. They worst they usually do is have all night parties ... right? Someone tell me I am right :(

Nope not here. Most of the worst is close to campus. Now I really do not want them going back for the last two days :(

Editted to add link: